i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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