I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
