The maid of honor just puked.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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