the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
