what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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