There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
