The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
