So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish my penis had a tongue
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
