I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize