Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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