He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you had me at cake vodka
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
