Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
