I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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