I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
