I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
