ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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