We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm always down for nudity.
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