I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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