look no pants
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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