i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
