apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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