Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
