I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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