I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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