i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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