Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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