one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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