So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
