He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
