When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
