Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
