Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
