i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I would fuck him just for his dog
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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