I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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