I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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