What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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