Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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