my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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