Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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