Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
