somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
