I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
