Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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