Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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