This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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