when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
