I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
