Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Found the puke drawer
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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