omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
