I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
