He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
