I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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