I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
