Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize