my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
MIDGETS
????
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
