i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
