you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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