update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
