There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
