So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
