I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
