i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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