Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
