On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
