She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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