My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize