I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
